Tuesday, August 28, 2012

berpikir kritis

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s: ...tapi blm sampe ke setuju/ga setuju
f: emg harus setuju/ngga setuju ya? hehe
s: hmm kan tujuan berpikir kritis utk menentukan sikap hehe
f: gw kadang malah mikir, berpikir kritis itu bukan u/ menentukan sikap, tp ngeliat 'gajah secara utuh'. bukan plin plan ngga punya sikap, tp belajar menyimpulkan
s: trs kalo udah liat? tuh akhirnya menyimpulkan jg kan
f: soalnya, kadang ada aja gitu, org yg udh nentuin sikap duluan sblom liat secara keseluruhan
s: ya blm berpikir kritis itu. kan berpikir kritis hrs liat dr berbagai sudut pandang, meskipun blm tentu bisa liat sepenuhnya. yg penting ga serta merta setuju/ga setuju
f: gw kepikirannya kaya six thinking hat nya de bono. 'milih' sikap duluan, tp bukan berarti ngga kritis















...kaya sekarang. 'milih' topi merah. sebetulnya... berpikir kritis, atau merasa kritis?

punggung pertama

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"pegangan saja padaku"
"tak mau"
"masih saja malu-malu"
"siapa yang malu-malu?"

aku dan gengsiku. terlalu tinggi, aku tahu. akupun yakin kau tahu, aku tidak mudah turun dari langit gengsiku sendiri. lalu tepat saat gigiku bergemeletuk, kau menyeletuk, "kedinginan kan? pegangan saja padaku" dua kali kau menawarkan diri.

akhirnya aku mengalah pada dinginnya malam yang menusuk. persetan gengsi. dengan canggung, kulingkarkan lenganku padamu. hangat dan wangi. aku bisa menebak, jaketmu baru kau cuci, dan kau menyemprotkan parfum banyak sekali.

"jangan tertidur, bahaya"
"siapa yang tertidur?"

sudah hampir subuh. mataku berkali-kali hampir terpejam, dan kamu berkali-kali mengajakku bicara, berusaha membuatku tetap terjaga. ah, boleh tidak, diam sebentar saja? aku ingin menikmati punggungmu yang hangat, tertidur lelap barang sejenak.

barangkali aku benar-benar terlelap. karna tiba-tiba aku merasakan sentuhan di bahuku. kamu. aku tidak bisa membaca nada suaramu. setengah sadar, samar-samar, antara ingin tertawa geli atau cemas, aku mendengarmu berkata "siapa yang tidak tertidur? kupanggil namamu berkali-kali, kau sudah di alam mimpi"

malu sekali. refleks, kulepas lingkaran lenganku yang merengkuhmu. namun aku kembali mengalah pada dinginnya malam, yang seolah-olah berkomplotan denganmu untuk meledekku "sudah ketahuan begini, masih saja gensi?"

kali ini, malam itu muncul kembali, aromamu muncul kembali, dalam sebentuk kenangan, yang seperti angin malam, menusuk sampai ke tulang. kali ini, benar-benar kulepas peganganku padamu. kubiarkan aroma parfummu menguap dan menghilang. kubiarkan punggungmu bergerak menjauh, menuju rengkuhan lengannya.

tak apa, senyum getir ini tak seberapa. ada yang lebih berharga. saat ini punggungmu mungkin menjadi miliknya, tetapi kenangan ini, milikku selamanya. tak akan kubiarkan siapapun merebutnya, karna akan selalu kurangkul erat dalam ingatan.

ingatan akan punggung pertamaku, kamu.

"ngejutin terus" 22 agustus, 2010

Monday, August 27, 2012

even cadbury hot choco...

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...tasted bitter and cold this morning. there must be something wrong with this sick sense.

Sunday, August 26, 2012

trance

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it's true that it's hard to start writing when you have no idea what to write. but once you start, it's hard to stop

...and you have no idea what you're writing

happy not birth day

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life is like a railway
and we're the machinist
who steer the train along the way to the destination

life is like a blank canvas
and we're the painter
who make it into our own masterpiece

life is like a bowl of oranges
and we're the juicer
who mix up all the sour and the sweet

life is like a garden
and we're the gardener
who plant the seed and harvest what we plant

life is like a picture
and we're the photographer
who tell story more than words

what is life like for you?

for me, life is like a birthday cake
and i'm the birthday girl
who share the first cake to myself

happy not birth day

mini me

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when half-empty (glass) me meets half-full (glass) me:

me1: i'm unhappy

me2: why?
me1: dunno
me2: how come you say you are unhappy but you dunno why?
me1: well, i feel lonely
me2: what lonely? you have fam and friends, don't you?
me1: yes, but... i feel strange
me2: what strange? it's obvious that they're your comfort zone
me1: yes of course, but well...
me2: what well? you have so many good friends, no?
me1: i've so many good friends, true. but, dunno, feel like stranger
me2: i guess you're just feeling uncomfortable about yourself, am i right or wrong?
me1: of course you're right. you're me, remember? we both are we
me2: weird isn't it? haha
me1: yes, so weird
me2: okay. back to topic
me1: i think i need a change
me2: what change?
me1: me
me2: i don't understand
me1: me too. i just feel i wanna get out from this uncomfortable comfort zone
me2: i see. like you pretend to be okay living with unhappy feeling searching for nothingness yet you can't find anything. is it like that
me1: yeah, sorta
me2: so how?
me1: what how?
me2: how you change?
me1: haven't i just said i dunno?
me2: me am clueless too
me1: so we both are clueless. how pathetic
me2: i don't say we're pathetic
me1: so what are we? i mean what am i? geez, this conversation is really weird
me2: we both are della, right? a 'curious cat' with 'ignorance is a bliss' attitude while it comes to 'what people say'
me1: am i? are we? i care what people say. well, lately
me2: what on earth we're talking about?
me1: ignorance is bliss, no?
me2: err.. i guess i just lose a track
me1: what track?
me2: forget it. all i wanna say is i think what makes you, us, unhappy is we care too much about what people say while they even say nothing at all. we care too much about being flawless while you, us, know it's impossible. we care too much about how to be impressive, to impress people, to have more compliments and less critics
me1: am i? are we?
me2: not me, haha
me1: but you ARE me. how come it's not you?
me2: i'm the 'half-full' (glass) remember?
me1: well, "when the glass is half-empty at least you can't drown"
me2: okay, let's just stop debating. aren't we here to solve our problem?
me1: i guess we can add "we care too much on how to be better than someone instead of be a better me, us"
me2: clever you. or can i shortened it to 'envy'?
me1: yes, too much envies. there's SOOO~ much great people out there. but great us, only one
me2: you're starting to 'pour water'
me1: what water?
me2: water tab. okay, ignore it
me1: anyway, how about friends issue?
me2: hmm..
me1: why you're hmm-ing?
me2: in this case i agree with you. i'm not saying we don't have friends. we do have friends. a lot. a lot of good friends. but real friend? best friend? do we have any? and have we become best friend to our best friend if there's any?
me1: haha. funny. don't you think we're like changing part?
me2: what part?
me1: half-empty and half-full (glass) part
me2: half plus half equals one, no? ;p
me1: err.. okay. YOU are ME. I am YOU. how come we're not one?
me2: we are both an alter ego of each other
me1: can we just continue our discussion?
me2: okay. well, i think we must stop searching 'who is my real friend? best friend? in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health'
me1: it's marriage vow, by the way
me2: yeah, just a little ice breaking
me1: err.. i guess this monologue is getting weird word by word -___-
me2: that's our mark *grin
me1: mark time mark. one two three four. ANYWAAAYYY~ i agree. i guess if we wanna find real friend, be a real friend first
me2: exactly. are we a good friend?
me1: i guess so. well, dunno for sure actually. it's not our part to answer it. it's our friends' part
me2: SOOO~ are we happy yet?
me1: just pray this is not temporary
me2: dear God, let me, us, be happy all the time. let me, us, can be useful for others. let me, us, live and love to the fullest happiness
me1: amin. anyway, why are we praying?
me2: YOU TOLD ME!!! geez, i feel strange
me1: haven't i told you before? hehe *big grin
me2: are we schizophrenic?
me1: i don't want to
me2: me too
me1: me three
me2: del... stop it
me1: hey hey, it's just monologue, okay? we ignore this case for so long. in fact, we just can't. be honest to ourself that we...
me2: are schizophrenic?
me1: no. we are lovable
me2: ewh, you wish
me1: we wish ;p
me2: anyway, this monologue-catharsis-writing thing makes me feels gooooooooood
me1: thanks to me. i start this thing first
me2: okay, thank you my dear lovely me. i love youuu. smooch smooch. oh fuck, this is really gross. feel like lesbian -___-
me1: no it's not a lesbian. it's a love for ourself. our super great self
me2: err.. okay. gooosh, how on earth i have 'me' like you inside me?!
me1: cause we are quirky yet so dazzling and amazing. just the way i aaam
me2: over confident
me1: aren't we here to boost up confidence?
me2: yes but it's supposed to be MY part to say that. i AM the half-full (glass)
me1: we're changing part, remember?
me2: i'm goldfish. hardly remember anything
me1: i'm elephant. easily remember anything
me2: aren't we human? oh fuck, why the hell i'm continuing this rubbish talk?
me1: cause this is fun! feels like a long time we don't do this. i really miss it. i miss you, della
me2: well honestly i miss you too, della. can we hug each other?
me1: how?
me2: dunno. just feel like hugging you
me2: you read my mind
me1: i'm mind reader
me2: WE ARE IN SAME MIND!!!
me1: hehehe *big big grin
me2: can we stop this talk?
me1: no! i still wanna talk to you. i miss you so much
me2: anyway, i hate mosquitos
me1: me too! and i hate that i hate mosquitos
me2: well, we aren't talking about it, by the way. you're random. i'm random. we're random
me1: i'm della
me2: me too am della
me1: WOW, we are two in one person! cool! high five!
me2: yeah yeah yeah, whatever
me1: i'm tired
me2: tired about what?
me1: tired being fake
me2: are we?
me1: dunno. are we real or fake?
me2: or
me1: you're not answering
me2: well, i guess you're tired about finding out 'i'm real or fake?'. so let's take a break
me1: how?
me2: let's laugh at ourself. our-used-to-be-stupid-self
me1: hahaha
me2: hahaha
me1: why isn't it funny?
me2: isn't it?
me1: dunno. deep down my heart, i'm crying. crying over meee~
me2: so let's cry out loud
me1: hiks hiks
me2: hiks hiks. okay, this is stupid
me1: yeah. i don't feel like crying
me2: haaah~ why you're so wishy washy?!
me1: you too. cause you are me
me2: you suck
me1: i'm vacuum cleaner
me2: okay, forget it. enough. it's annoying
me1: orange
me2: i'm out
me1: take me out
me2: ewh
me1: in that place, i feel like stranger
me2: in what place? take me out?
me1: take him out. damn us! can we be serious to ourself at least once in a lifetime?! we're now in a serious talk, remember?
me2: hmm.. i see
me1: what see?
me2: seefood
me1: it's delicious! seriously, what see?
me2: what you see
me1: oh you know me so well *sarcastic
me2: girl i heart you *brb vomiting
me1: *brb vomiting back
me2: well, i guess it's just the beginning. we'll get used to it
me1: hope so
me2: anyway, how about ending this conversation?
me1: okay. thanks for the mind-sharing
me2: your welcome
me1: bye. see you on another unstable-teenage-drama-mind
me2: bye. see you

Sunday, August 19, 2012

because tolerance is a bliss

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"why some muslim women don't wear hijab"

hemm..

gw islam. gw bukan hijabber. baca artikel ini, jadi tertarik pengen cerita juga.

gw sebetulnya termasuk orang yang beruntung, dimana lingkungan pergaulan gw adalah orang-orang yang ngga judgmental. orang-orang yang menghargai perbedaan.

beragam jenis manusia penuh toleransi yang gw kenal, bikin gw jadi ikut mentoleransi mereka juga, ngga early judging cuma berdasarkan penampakan luarnya.

gw punya temen hijabber tapi kelakuan juga masi ngawur. gw punya temen non-hijabber tapi taat ibadah. gw punya temen kristen yang bahkan suka ikutan saur dan puasa.

gw punya temen hijabber yang menghijab dirinya buat menutupi kekurangan tubuhnya. gw punya temen hijabber yang punya keluarga kristen dan masih tetep ikut silaturahmi saat keluarganya ngerayain natal.

gw punya temen yang pacaran beda agama. gw punya tante dan om yang nikah beda agama. gw punya temen islam yang suka bantuin sodaranya buat nyanyi di gereja kalo dibutuhin.

gw punya temen keturunan cina yang beragama buddha yang ngga pernah mempermasalahkan status minoritasnya dan tetep supel sama siapa aja.

gw punya lingkaran kecil pertemanan. yang satu berhijab, yang satu keturunan cina yang beragama kristen. di lingkaran ini, kita bisa-bisa aja ngebahas soal agama dengan leluasa, dengan 'aturan' (ngga tertulis) "mari sepakat untuk ngga sepakat"

gw punya temen yang bongkar-pasang hijab. gw punya temen yang pernah belajar di luar negeri dan tetep berhijab walaupun terlihat mencolok di tengah-tengah orang asing yang ngga ngerti kenapa orang islam harus pake hijab.

gw punya temen yang gamau salaman dan bersentuhan sama yang bukan muhrim. gw punya temen yang gamau ngeboncengin cewe. gw punya temen yang keliatannya 'santai beragama' padahal taat banget.

gw punya lingkaran kecil pertemanan dimana mayoritas agamanya kristen. sama mereka, perbedaan agama bisa dibikin becandaan, tapi dengan segala hormat, tanpa ada unsur rasis, sara, atau apapun itu sebutannya.

gw punya mantan yang mungkin ngga rajin beribadah, tapi dia sangat concern dengan ilmu islam. bapaknya aktivis mesjid, dan dia punya banyak buku-buku tentang islam yang bolak-balik keluar-masuk toilet buat dibaca :))

gw punya temen yang mengaku agnostik. gw punya temen yang mengaku atheis. gw punya temen yang masih galau agama, ikut arus aja. gw punya temen yang emang terhijab luar-dalem. dan masih banyak lagi yang mungkin kelupaan buat disebutin.

ohya, satu hal lagi yang sebetulnya paling penting: keluarga, terutama orangtua, selalu ngajarin untuk berpikiran terbuka, termasuk tentang pemakaian hijab ataupun tentang ilmu agama.

bahkan bokap gw pernah bilang ke nyokab "ah gausalah pake jilbab dulu kalo blom mau" tapi ngga komentar juga saat nyokab kadang pergi dengan penampilan ala hijabber.

makanya, dari beragam orang dan dari ajaran dasar di keluarga, gw suka heran, bisa-bisanya masih aja ada orang yang berpikiran sempit untuk men-judge "bukan wanita islam namanya kalo blom berhijab" atau sebaliknya "ah pake hijab juga blom tentu bener akhlaknya. paling kamuflase doang"

broh, men-judge orang sembarangan tanpa dasar argumen yang valid itu ibarat menilai lautan itu dangkal. ati-ati tenggelem karna ketelen ombak omongan sendiri.

dear judgmental people, all you see is just a tip of iceberg. ever swim to know how deep, cold, and dark down there? like a quote from to kill a mockingbird:

"you never really understand a person, until you consider things from his point of view. until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it"

tentang quote di atas, gw mau cerita tentang suatu ketika di sma, 3 taun lamanya.

jadi, di sma gw, tiap jumat ada peraturan dimana anak-anak cewe (kecuali non-islam) harus pake kerudung. gw gamau nyebut hijab karna itu peraturan, bukan keinginan dari diri sendiri, seenggaknya bagi gw.

tiap jumat, jujur, gw merasa tersiksa. gw ngga suka disuruh melakukan sesuatu karna terpaksa. silakan cap gw apa aja, tapi begitulah kenyataannya. dan lebih ngga suka sama guru-guru 'gitu deh' yang menyikapinya.

ada salah satu guru yang suka 'patroli' seragam dan ngejambakin cewe-cewe yang ke-gap ngga pake kerudung. apaan banget kan?

tapi karna gw anaknya ngga suka cari masalah, gw banyak menghabiskan waktu istirahat shalat jumat di kelas aja, biar ngga ke-gap 'patroli' itu guru. dan alhamdulillah ya, aman jambakan selama 3 taun, muahaha!

trus pernah ada 1 'kasus' yang bikin gw tersinggung banget.

jadi, gw pernah bermasalah sama guru agama islam. penting banget alesannya: gara-gara gw ngegulung lengan kemeja pas pelajaran dia, di hari jumat.

ya salah gw sih, berisik ngobrol di kelas. tapi ngga perlu kan ditegor dengan "kamu! mau jadi perempuan apa kamu?! rapikan bajunya. perempuan kok gitu. ngga bener"

sampe sekarang, kalo inget kata-kata itu rasanya isssh.. kesannya gmana banget lah. meeen, big deal banget emang ya gulung lengan kemeja? tapi yaudalah ya, sing waras ngalah. sing guru marah, sing murid kalem bae.

trus ya, pas kelas 2 apa kelas 3 gitu, kan udah mulai kenal sama yang namanya bergo. tapi saat itu, kerudung kain (yang makenya harus 'manual' pake peniti dimana-mana itu) masih mendominasi seragam jumat.

entah angin darimana, tiba-tiba jadi ada 'gap' antara kerudung versus bergo. ada anggepan kalo bergo itu bukan 'kerudung yang sebenarnya' karna langsung pake. mungkin ibarat orang nyetir mobil matic versus manual kali ya?

tau lah, aneh amat. jujur, buat gw yang selama 3 taun ngga berhasil meresapi makna dari seragam tiap jumat, yang ada di pikiran gw cuma "yang penting nutupin kepala dan rambut ngga keliatan kan? heran banget kaya gituan aja dipermasalahin. doh!"

bingung aja gitu. instead of ngasi pemahaman dan penjelasan tentang kenapa dan buat apa, mereka (para guru) lebih ke "pokoknya blablabla, titik" ya gmana ngga makin makin makin... kan?

ohya, karna gw dulu suka berangkat sekolah naik ojek, gw bikin belahan rok yang panjang, biar mobilitasnya gampang, ngga ribet pas naik ojek dan bisa lari-larian kalo terlambat masuk kelas.

ini pernah jadi masalah lagi: disinisin secara bahasa tubuh sama guru-guru yang 'gitu deh'. cuma bodo lah, toh formalitas doang kan. untungnya ngga pernah kena tegor, karna itu tadi, gw jarang keliaran pas jam 'patroli', muahaha!

mungkin ini faktor lingkungan tempat gw dibesarkan kali ya? gw dari tk sampe smp, sekolah di sekolah swasta dimana gada yang pake kerudung. sementara, pas sma, walaupun sebetulnya sekolah negeri, tapi 'nuansa' nya islami. jadinya jetlag, culture shock, haha.

se shock nya gw waktu pertama kali tau kalo ada aja yang gamau ngerayain valentine karna dianggep haram hukumnya. sementara buat gw, itu cuma ajang tuker-tukeran coklat, pesta coklat. dibawa seru-seruan aja.

dari tulisan sepanjang ini, cuma pengen bilang kalo kita ini hidup penuh warna. ngga bisa dipaksain cuma 1 warna.  kelam banget hidup kalo cuma mono-tone. eh bahkan mono-tone aja banyak gradasinya ya. jadi yah, nikmatin aja pelangi perbedaan yang ada di dunia.

selamat berbeda dan tidak memaksakan kehendak :D