Future Plan

"Del, rencana lo setaun ke depan gimana?" -Achin
3 hari yang lalu gw diwawancara. Sama MB sih. Tipikal wawancara awal proyek seperti biasa, biar pengurusnya ada bayangan tentang keadaan pasukannya. Tapiii.. efeknya entah kenapa sepening kaya waktu ngobrol sama bokap tentang rencana ke depan, tentang keinginan-keinginan gw.

Nggak tau gw nya yang lebay atau gimana, bawaannya sensitif aja gitu akhir-akhir ini kalo udah ngomongin soal topik ginian.

Saat diwawancara, gw ngejelasin beberapa opsi rencana yang mungkin akan ngaruh ke jadwal MB blablabla. Sang pewawancara, Achin, nanya soal kemungkinan-kemungkinan. Worst thing that can happen. All the 'what if's.

Then my vision blurred. I don't know. I just want this big one thing this year. I have no back-up plan. Well, actually I have. A LOT. But I can't choose. I'm afraid to choose.
"As long as you don't choose, everything remains possible" -Mr. Nobody (2009)
I want every choice remains possible. I want to be flexible. Keep things probable. But that will cost me uncertainty. I hate uncertainty.

Why oh why. Thinking about future plan always give me both excitement and headache, especially after I graduate, after I get my power of freedom, but also responsibility.
"With great power, comes great responsibility" -Spiderman (2002)
Gw anak yang cukup beruntung punya ortu yang ngasi gw kebebasan buat memilih. Dari dulu. Dari kecil. Gw mau ikut ekskul apa aja, bebas. Gw mau ikut les apa aja, selama bonyok sanggup bayarin, bebas. Gw mau sekolah di mana, kuliah di mana, ambil jurusan apa, bebas.

Dulu mungkin gw ngga sadar gw seberuntung itu, bahkan kadang gw ngga bersyukur, karna ada juga masa-masa gw benci banget didikte. Contohnya waktu masuk SMA. Bukan didkte sih, lebih tepatnya 'didoain' buat masuk sekolah yang paling gamau gw masukin, dan ternyata gw masuk.

Tapi makin gede, gw jadi sadar. Kebebasan yang dikasi itu mewah banget. Ngga semua orang bisa dapetin 'kekuatan' itu. Tapi gw juga jadi makin sadar, semakin bebas, justru sebetulnya gw semakin 'terkekang'. Oleh tanggung jawab. Oleh ekspektasi. Oleh resiko.

I have great power to choose what I wanna choose, so that I'm responsible of my own choice.

This is a good thing, but also a bad thing. The good thing is, I become a woman of my own. An independent one. I decide my own decision.

But the bad thing is, sometimes it leaves me a confusion. Like for now. Honestly, for my future, I sometimes secretly wish there's someone who can decide for me, so I can blame him/her if I fail, because it's him/her decision, not mine. Haha.

But I thousand percents sure I'll go rebel if I'm dictated. I can be as stubborn as a mountain. So yeah, no way it's gonna happen. But well, maybe I can use that person (if there's any) so that I can be more sure about what I want because I already sure about what I don't want.

Dih, jahat amat sih, Del.

Ini gw lagi nulis apa sih sebenernya? Ngelantur banget. Mabok. Haha. Yah, intinya sih pergalauan tak berujung. Gw tau emang, gada gunanya galau masa depan tanpa tindakan. Tapi namanya manusia, ngga lepas dari rasa takut.

So... yeah, I'm afraid. But I know I'll be alright. Like always.

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