Saturday, August 30, 2014

Pengakuan Dosa

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"Amanah paling berat adalah kepercayaan DAN kebebasan"

Ketika kita diberi kepercayaan sekaligus kebebasan untuk mengatur diri sendiri, sadar nggak ketika itulah kita sebenarnya lagi diuji? Namanya "ujian nikmat". Ujian ini bahaya karena kita bisa terlena untuk lepas tanggung jawab.

Suatu kali, gw pernah izin MB buat jalan-jalan ke Magelang-Jogja dengan alasan:
  1. Menunaikan bucket list lihat pelepasan lampion saat perayaan Waisak
  2. Promo tiket kereta api murah (BANGET)
  3. Lagi empet kerjaan, butuh hiburan dan liburan

Sebelumnya, gw nggak pernah izin buat jalan-jalan kayak gini, jadi gelisah banget antara mengurungkan niat atau tetap lanjut dan bilang aja terus terang.

Akhirnya, dengan modal bismillah dan degdegan, gw minta izin, dan ternyataaa.. diizinin dengan mudahnya! Tanpa syarat pula! Well, tetap kena seri sih (aka hukuman push up).

Yang namanya MB kan izinnya ajegile susahnya kayak kentut di luar angkasa. Lah ini beneran banget nih diizinin?

Tapi apa itu bikin gelisah gw berkurang? Nggak. Lagi liburan pun yang dipikirin MB. Badan di Jogja tapi pikiran di Depok.

Lantas, kapok? Jadi gini... gw mau pengakuan dosa sekali lagi.

Beberapa hari yang lalu, gw kembali berdilema dengan "izin-nggak-ya" karena gw berencana pergi ke Jember-Surabaya buat nonton Jember Fashion Carnaval. Another bucket list to accomplish.

Saat itu, tiket yang masuk budget jatuh di Senin malam. Ini salah gw juga sih nekat go show. Keputusan beli tiket pesawat baru hari Jumat, sementara acaranya Sabtu-Minggu. Tiket kereta api udah abis bis bisss.

MAMEEEN!!! SENIN KAN HARI KERJA!!! JANGAN GILA LO DEL!!!

Oke. Iya gw emang gila. Dan nekat. Maka, gw putuskan tetap berangkat. Toh tiket nonton juga udah terlanjur dibeli. Sayang kalau angus.

Berhubung gw bisa remote working, jadi gw pikir akan lebih nggak enak kalau gw bilang ke Jember-Surabaya, pulang Senin malam. Maka gw putuskan hari Senin itu gw remote working dari Surabaya tanpa bilang-bilang.

Toh gw pernah bilang jujur ke MB buat izin jalan-jalan rasanya tetap nggak tenang. Sama aja kan kalau gitu?

Lalu, apa dengan nggak izin gw bisa tenang? Ternyata nggak juga. Cuma pembenaran atas sesuatu yang gw tahu harusnya nggak gw lakukan.

intinya, podo wae. Baik izin maupun nggak izin, perasaan bersalah dan nggak nyaman karena meninggalkan tanggung jawab dan menyalahgunakan kepercayaan itu selalu ada.

Believe me, if you wanna travel for fun, do it in a proper way. Because runaway travel ain't fun at all. You won't fully enjoy it. Lesson learned. Noted.

Besoknya, saat gw ke kantor, gw ditanya (tepatnya, disindir) "gimana Jember? Udah pulang? Lain kali izin ya"

GLEK!!! MAMPUS BANGET!!! KETAHUAAAN!!! PIYE IKI???

Saat itu, rasanya jantung lompat ke jempol kaki. Sumpah malu. Ke mana integritas yang selama ini gw junjung tinggi? Nggak lagi-lagi deh.

Gw sempat cerita ke Shasha dan Dea, dan mereka mencoba menghibur dengan bilang gpp, asal sekali ini aja dan untuk terakhir kalinya.

Tapi justru itu bikin gw mikir, yang "gpp-gpp" ini malah yang bikin gw takut kebablasan. Takut nggak bisa bertanggung jawab atas kebebasan yang dikasih. Takut mengkhianati kepercayaan. Takut. Takut banget.

Terus gw terlintas cerita seorang teman, di mana temannya 'kabur' dari tugas selama 2 minggu dan nggak ketahuan. Detailnya gw udah gamau tahu. Gw ngeri. Hal itu bisa banget terjadi pada gw.

Kalau dilepas di tempat asing, godaan buat berpetualang pasti besar banget, dan yah, harus gw akui, hal-hal yang memicu adrenalin itu sebenarnya menambah sensasi tersendiri.

SUSAH SUMPAH ITU PASTI NGONTROLNYA!!! Harus terus inget (dan diingetin) tentang amanah yang diemban.

Gw pernah dengan mudahnya bikin orang mau mengizinkan gw meninggalkan kewajiban. Gw pernah di-gpp-in untuk hal yang harusnya ngga pantes di-gpp-in. Di kemudian hari, kalau gw ngga pintar-pintar jaga diri, bisa jadi makin banyak track record dosa "gw pernah ini-itu".

When there is no one to watch you, will you stay in the right track? Can you control yourself? That's the key question I keep repeating to myself.

Oh, I hope I can learn my lesson and always remind myself not to do it again next time. I'm sorry.

Friday, August 22, 2014

Time Capsule

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Tengah subuh ngos-ngosan, kebangun karena mimpi buruk, terus mikir, tahun depan kalau tengah subuh kebangun gara-gara mimpi buruk kayak gini, sarana katarsisnya apa ya kalau gada internet? *anaknya sepele :))

Ngomong-ngomong soal sepele, kemarin gw menerima email-email yang bikin degdegserrr.. terutama email dari Tepi tentang "How to survive blablabla" terus legaaa.. ternyata gw ngga sepele sendirian, HAHA.

Hal-hal ribet yang gw pikirin ternyata emang penting dan udah dipikirin sama orang lain solusinya. Beruntungnyaaa! Well, beda tipis sih antara "jangan menyepelekan hal kecil" dan "jangan membesar-besarkan hal sepele". Untuk kasus ini, masuk tipe pertama: jangan menyepelekan hal kecil.

Anyway, gara-gara itu, gw jadi buka email time capsule yang gw tulis sendiri tahun lalu buat gw di umur seperempat abad. Alesan nulisnya (lagi-lagi) sepele: pengen dapet kado surat pas ulang tahun.

Di time capsule itu, gw menuliskan harapan-harapan untuk gw di tahun ini. Gw inget, waktu baca itu di bulan Mei, rasanya campur aduk antara sedih ngga mencapai apa yang gw harapkan dan super malu nulis ngga penting kayak orang mabok. Ya kira-kira begini:


Kalau kata Uswah, jangka waktunya terlalu cepet. Masa bikin time capsule cuma buat proyeksi setahun ke depan?

Tapi ya mana tahu kan kalau ternyata satu per satu wishlist gw terkabul. Bahkan se-sepele pengen punya iPhone 5 biar casing yang udah gw beli bisa kepake (impulsif banget emang beli casing HP padahal blom punya HPnya).

Mungkin, yang gw perlukan hanya sedikit bersabar. Hal baik ngga selalu datang bersamaan. Huaaah, rasanya mellow-mellow bahagia gimanaaa.. gitu. Law of attraction :')

I knooow I'm that shallow and occasionally mellow (not really showing it though). But I'm fine being shallow. You don't have to appear intellectual or deep to appreciate little things, yes?

Besides, it reminds me that every piece of accomplishment is an investment, even as shallow as collecting full stamps to get free bonus. And every wish, however silly, is a morale booster.

Terus gw jadinya nulis time capsule lagi buat gw di ultah ke-26. Entahlah akan dibaca kapan, ngga yakin gampang dapet akses internet juga soalnya. Ya semoga sekitar bulan Mei 2015 lah bisa baca email time capsule nya. Dan semoga bisa 'dibaca' dan dibantuin semesta supaya terkabul.
"When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it" - Paulo Coelho

Aamiin :)

Saturday, August 16, 2014

About Fear

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"Del, lo berani emangnya?"
My friend once asked me. Back then, I was offended. She underestimated me. But after a while, I got sorta similar questions that I began to wonder myself "what is bravery anyway?"

I listed down all my fears and reasons why I feared them. Mostly, those were nonsense.

Like my fear of syringe. That horrifying mental image over a tiny metal? Oh come ooon.. why so scared? It was just one 'cusss' away. Like an ant's bite.

O HAIL WHITE LIE! No such thing as "ngga sakit kok, cuma kayak digigit semut".

Anyway, what was the worst scenario could happen? Well... how if the injection jab jab jab throughout my skin and bones? How if I caught myself crying, hysterically screamed in front of strangers? How if I fainted and never woke up? GEEZ!

Thank God it didn't happen. And I deserved iced Milo and ice cream. YEAY! Childish? Oh well, like I care.

###

It's just one example from an endless list.

One night-til-dawn, I chit-chatted with Uswah, discussing about how we deal with our own fears. I told her that to get rid of it, I had to imagine the worst shit that could happen until I got sober from the nonsense. She laughed, "I don't get your brain mechanism. Maybe because I have no fear?"

Then I was like "WHAAAT?! HOW COME?!"

She told me the story when she first came alone to big city from her small hometown. She just... came. No expectation. No worry. Nothing. She just did what she had to. Que sera sera at its finest.

I said, "If I were you, guess I might freak out for months, all by myself, until I reached that 'que sera sera' point. At the end, I might appear at the same level of calmness, but that's because I'm done being afraid".

"You're such an inefficient person. You imagine the worst case even before it's actually happening. How if it IS really happening? Like it or not, you still have to find a way out. That means you have to work twice" Uswah argued.

I nodded. To some extent, she got the point. But unfortunately, it didn't work for me. If I didn't 'nyicil panik', maybe I would find no way out.

Like if you're afraid of darkness, you have to imagine the most 'uka-uka' ghost until you get used to it and you're no longer afraid. Or if you're afraid of heights, just imagine you're falling from skyscrapers and you're dead. What's worst than that, anyway?

Yeah I know my amygdala system works in very odd way.

What I'm trying to say here is... we can have looong endless list of fear and still live with it. Am I no longer scared of syringe? No! HECK NO! All part of me is still against it.

If I had option, I'd rather cancel everything and run away from it. Or maybe I could invent a genius lifehack where there is no longer need to use that sharpie tiny metal for blood testing.

In sum, bravery isn't defined by how big is your fear but how you face it. So... I guess I'll answer my friend's skepticism with this:

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

At Least We Have Us

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How can you commit suicide if you have peer like this? :'))

These kinda people I wanna treasure forever, for life, for sure.

Friday, August 1, 2014

Recap Juli (Tambahan)

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Ini harus banget diabadikan! Akhirnya kesampean juga ngidam naik kereta-keretaan keliling mall setelah berhasil membujuk om-tante dan saudara sepupu buat minjemin bocil-bocilnya.

YEAY! Achievement unlocked! Welcome, pleasant August! :D

I'm still a kid at heart after all