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Showing posts from 2019

Kangen

Kangen nulis. Kangen ngobrol. Kangen ngobrol lewat tulisan. Kangen nulis apa yang diobrolin. Kangen kamu pokoknya.
Tapi kamu yang dulu bukan kamu yang sekarang. Ya namanya juga hidup kan. Kadang tumbuh beriringan, kadang bercabang dan menjauh.
Aku pikir, aku hanya butuh sedikit usaha cari waktu bertemu. Tapi semesta memang suka bercanda. Semakin keras usahaku, semakin jauh kamu.
Biar begitu, namamu terus mengorbit di keseharianku. Kenapa sih dari semilyar nama di dunia, harus kamu? Mungkin memang pasaran, tapi pasarku kan harusnya bukan namamu.
Rindu, obatnya bertemu, bukan? Apa jangan? Jangan. Kenapa? Biar semesta yang bekerja. Kalau memang saatnya, akan tepat waktunya.
Semoga segera. Ralat. Semoga saat siap.

Drama Cuci Piring

Dari kemarin saya urung menulis ini karena kurang bijak rasanya menulis saat masih emosi. Pasti akan ada banyak kata yang nggak lulus sensor ketika dibaca ulang. Jadi, saya tunggu sampai reda dulu baru tulis, supaya jelas isi pesannya apa, bukan meracau saja.Jadi begini ceritanya. Dua hari yang lalu, papa saya ada buka puasa bersama di rumah belakang. Kami sebetulnya sudah terbiasa repot kedatangan banyak tamu karena memang papa mendesain rumah belakang sebagai saung tempat kumpul-kumpul. Tapi kali ini, kerepotannya terasa sangat menyebalkan karena ART udah pulang kampung, jadi nggak ada yang bantuin.Berhubung tamunya banyak, jadi tentu saja cucian piringnya juga banyak. Sialnya, saya yang disuruh cuci piring.Mengeluh? Ya menurut ngana?! Yang saya garisbawahi ada beberapa. Pertama, kenapa tamu-tamunya papa nggak ada yang inisiatif bawa piring-piring kotor ke dapur?Kedua, oke. Anggaplah mereka nggak inisiatif karena nggak tau. Kenapa papa nggak minta tolong mereka untuk bantu bawa piri…

Santai Saja :)

Kalau seseorang hobinya marah-marah, mungkin memang dunianya kurang ramah.Kalau seseorang hobinya cari-cari kesalahan, mungkin sebetulnya dia sedang menutupi kelemahan.Kalau seseorang hobinya menyombongkan diri, mungkin dia takut tidak diakui.Menghadapi orang-orang seperti ini tak perlu terlalu diambil hati. Sebetulnya dia yang paling sakit hati karena perlakuannya pada dirinya sendiri.

Free Will

Last night, I couldn't sleep. Then I put on Thirty Days of Lunch, Gery Vee episode.This 70minutes-ish podcast got me contemplated. I asked myself "how was life going so far, Del?" and as the self awareness arised, I had to write down this train of thoughts.Lately, I had a looot~ of questions about life itself. People called it quarter life crisis. Some called it Saturn Return. Whatever. You named it.Then since last September 2018, I decided to experiment "if I surrendered to what life gave me and just fucking did my best, what would happen?" until my birthday on May 3rd.I usually got pretty slow, picky, and calculated when it came to decision. I took some time to thoughtfully consider pros and cons before saying go or no go. I planned out the worst case, even spared 'space for surprises'.But often times, I also got miscalculated. Things happened beyond my control. 'Surprises' came outside the 'space'.Remembered Rene said "overplanni…

Mencoba Sekali Lagi

"Kenapa kamu masih mau coba lagi tahun ini?"
Awalnya saya pikir akan mudah jawab pertanyaan ini. Tapi nyatanya, saya sempat diam sejenak waktu wawancara dan ditanya ini. Mikir.

Akhirnya saya cerita kalau saya dan teman-teman komunitas yang berasal dari Kelas Inspirasi Tangerang Selatan sedang merumuskan program untuk LPKA Tangerang, dengan nama baru komunitas INSPIRASA. Jadi, pengalaman di SSEAYP akan sangat membantu untuk proses perumusan ini nantinya.

Mundur sedikit, 3 tahun lalu saya mencoba ikut seleksi SSEAYP dan gagal. Saya masuk peringkat kedua. So close yet so far, karena kuotanya hanya satu orang. Apa itu SSEAYP dan bagaimana proses seleksinya? Saya pernah menulis ceritanya di sini.

Lalu seperti yang sudah diduga, keluar juga pertanyaan ini saat wawancara dengan alumni:
"Menurut kamu, kenapa kamu nggak terpilih waktu itu?"
Saya pun bertanya-tanya pada diri sendiri. Harus diakui, 3 besar yang jadi kandidat untuk SSEAYP betul-betul punya 'warna' yan…

Question?

1. How do you know whether someone deserves a second chance?
2. How do you know whether you have to stop giving someone another chance?
3. How do you whether there will never be any chance?Answer: you'll never know. Why do you want to know?

Avoidant vs Anxious (part 2)

Melanjutkan postingan sebelumnya, hari Sabtu (09/02) lalu, akhirnya Mendadak Kelas #2 sukses dilaksanakan.Yang nggak sukses adalah jumlah peserta yang jauh dari target 20 orang. Tapiii.. peserta yang sedikit ternyata bikin sesinya lebih intim dan intens.Blessing in disguise.Pertanyaan "apa yang harus dilakukan untuk menjadi lebih secure, baik bagi yang cenderung avoidant maupun anxious?" juga terjawab, walaupun belum benar-benar diresapi dan diinternalisasi.Apa aja tuh langkah-langkah dan tipsnya? Menurut penjelasan Tian:1. Learn your behavioral patterns.
2. Overcome withdrawals symptoms.
3. Value small wins.
4. Embrace yourself.Supaya gampang inget, disingkat jadi LOVE. Eaaa..Kalau contoh yang gw tulis di postingan lalu adalah Della dan tipikal respon "yaudalah ya".Ini peer banget sih. Karena agak nyaru antara menghindari konflik sama ikhlas ketika ada hal-hal yang terjadi di luar kendali.Tapi dengan mempelajari "pola 'yaudalah ya' gw nih biasanya yan…

Avoidant vs Anxious (part 1)

Jadi ceritanya, beberapa waktu terakhir, gw 'dihantui' masa lalu karena mimpi bersambung yang entah gimana frekuensinya intens sampai gw suka takut tidur. Takut mimpi lagi, karena bangunnya nggak enak.Akhirnya coba cari tahu sendiri akar masalahnya, merumuskan solusi, dan kayaknyaaa.. mulai ketemu. Masih menerka-nerka sih, cuma lumayan lah. Seenggaknya nggak ngeblur.Salah satu yang cukup membantu adalah skripsi temen gw tentang kaitan love style dengan adult attachment.Seperti halnya dulu gw mencari jawaban sampai bikin artikel psikologi pop berbasis jurnal tentang kenapa susah move on dari mantan, si temen ini (mari sebut saja Tian --memang nama sebenarnya--) pun demikian. Dia bikin skripsi untuk terapi (kalau dia menyebutnya 'berobat jalan').Tian dari dulu pengen banget bikin workshop tentang skripsinya itu, tapi ketunda terus. Setelah gw dorong-dorong buat cus eksekusi, meyakinkan bahwa sesinya akan bermanfaat buat banyak orang, akhirnyaaa~ kejadian juga rencana wor…

Ekskul

"Mungkin lo butuh ekskul"Gw ingat dulu seorang teman curhat, dia merasa datar-datar aja bekerja. Kayak nggak punya semangat hidup.Salahnya gw, saran ini diberikan tanpa mencoba berempati sama keadaan dia.Waktu itu, alih-alih menjadi pendengar yang baik, dengan nggak sensitifnya gw malah cerita keseruan hidup sendiri.Tapi sekarang temen gw itu udah mulai menikmati rutinitasnya. Lega sih dengernya, apalagi solusinya bukan ngikutin saran sesat gw waktu itu, tapi dengan mengubah sudut pandangnya.Dia mencoba berteman dengan konsekuensi. Kerjaan mah nggak ada yang enak doang. Pasti sepaket sama nggak enaknya, termasuk merasa "gitu-gitu doang".Ya nggak sesat-sesat amat sih. Cuma kurang bijak aja. Apa yang baik buat kita belum tentu cocok buat orang lain kan?Tapi kalau sekarang, boleh dong gw cerita? Dengan penuh kesadaran bahwa emosi nggak mutlak, gw nggak bisa bohong bahwa gw saat ini ngerasa 'hidup' dengan keberadaan 'ekskul' yang diselipkan di gunungan …

Keputusan Nggak Populer

"Jangan takut ambil keputusan yang nggak populer" Pendahuluan nggak penting dulu. Selama beberapa tahun terakhir pakai kata ganti pertama dengan 'saya', kali ini, pengen kembali ke 'gw'. Buat penyegaran aja.

Oke lanjut.

Jadi ceritanya, kemarin gw main ke Jakarta Timur demi menyimak diskusi Sains Underground. Topik saat itu adalah tentang astronomi dengan referensi bukunya Carl Sagan. Bela-belain banget dari BSD ke Utan Kayu saking penasarannya. Terus karena pas pulang udah kecapekan, walhasil lenjeh naik Grabcar haha.

Nah, sepanjang perjalanan pulang, gw ngobrol sama si mas Grab. Berhubung perjalanan panjaaannnggg~ ya bok, jadi ceritanya juga nggak abis-abis.

"Mbak seru ya, punya banyak cerita buat anak cucu nanti" komentar si mas Grab, terdengar takjub.

Padahal buat gw mah biasa banget. Tiap orang punya cerita serunya masing-masing kan? Tapi ada satu hal yang kelupaan untuk gw syukuri. Nggak semua orang punya kemewahan untuk mengalami perjalanan k…

KELAAARRR!!!

Akhirnya beres juga! Lumayan euy 30 hari nulis pakai bahasa Inggris. Ternyata kayak gini toh rasanya. Peer juga yah. Gara-garanya sebel, kenapa sekarang gw makin kek naq Jaksel? Atuhlah sekalian aja latihan nulis penuh pakai bahasa Inggris.

Walaupun makin toleran untuk pakai bahasa campur karena kadang 'rasa bahasa' nggak bisa diwakili oleh bahasa tunggal, tetep aja pengen coba eksperimen. Hasilnya? Maksa! Ada masa nulis jadi singkat-singkat dan nggak tahaaaaaaan~ pengen ngomong gw, alih-alih I.
GW GW GW GW GW GW GW GW!!! Tuh. Puas?
Yaudah, kan sekarang udah kelar nih. Februari mau ngapain lagi? Nggak usah nyusahin diri sendiri mulu nggak bisa ya, Del? Udah diturutin tuh pake 'gw' -_-
Ngomong-ngomong, gw lagi seneng! Sedang menggodok proyek seru yang aaah.. mari kita lihat aja hasilnya nanti. Gw juga nggak berani berekspektasi terlalu tinggi. Biasanya kecewa, trus malah males-malesan ngerjainnya. Ide mah murah, eksekusi yang mahal, kan?

#30 Finishing

Della 2: "Finish just for the sake of finishing. Not really enjoy it, but it's okay."
Della 1: "Geez, it's writing! How could you not enjoy it?!"
Della 2: "You know what, in Greek, 'passion' means 'to suffer'."

#29 Stopping

Stop saying yes to everything and give yourself a break. Yes, you deserve freedom of choice. But no! You don't have to choose too many.

#28 Forcing

Just get shit done, they said.

#27 Working

There is a thin line between being busy and productive.

#26 Regretting

Few times ago, a friend asked if I ever had regret. That was a tricky question. I tried to find one but still didn't seem like it was that bad I should call it a regret. Besides, most of times, every wrong decision turned out to be an unexpected surprise and I kinda liked it. Those things which felt like falling into pieces, fell back into places eventually. So, long story short, I said I don't think I do regret.

But now I guess I know one. So stupid I haven't realized it back then, but it was too late. Or not?

#25 Learning

Sometimes we win, sometimes we learn.

#24 Remembering

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Just finished watching documentary "Memory Hackers" on Netflix. Scientifically valid that memory can be 'manipulated', proven from one experiment about false memory which the participants were pursued to believe they committed to crime. And they did.

Also, drugs can turn off our fear 'button' in our mind so we're no longer afraid of something. Arachnophobia --fear of spider-- for example.

But as much as I begin to realize how fucked up our memory is, I still believe that remembering is beautiful thing. It might not be precise, but precious. Like quote from the documentary that said:
"Maybe we have a misconception of what the purpose of memory is. We think of it more as an accurate recording of past experiences as opposed to a creative process of combining our experiences over time"

#23 Changing

Change is inevitable. Adaptation is optional. Still getting used to this back to basic blog theme while keeping my all time favourite banner, the attractive red hair lady with green eyes, found somewhere in internet. Gosh I wish I could paint this as a mural art on my bedroom wall. Also, dyed my hair red. But realistically speaking, I think I'll look awful in red hair.

Sooo.. never mind. Just blabbering the nonsense.
Anyway, why changing the theme again? The last one is not that bad though. Umm.. to be honest, I feel uneasy every time I review post using that new theme. It's nice but it's like getting rid of my entire identity. This default theme can provide that sense of familiarity, I don't know why.
One more thing. I like keeping archive posts. With the last theme, it's a constant struggle to edit the code manually to keep the oldest post exists. Not planning to delete any of those anyway, no matter how embarrassing I was back then in my 20s. After all, the bes…

#22 Thinking

8 more days and I still can't do #nooverthinkingchallenge.

#21 Detaching

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I almost got a heart attack when my laptop had to re-boot. How about all my data? I screamed inside.

Yeah, I still can back it up and copy-paste it again later. But that's not the point. It's the attachment, the inability to let go. That's the root of suffering, like what Buddha said.

Now that I already have all my data backed up in Time Machine, I still haven't copy-paste all files. I only keep what is necessary.

Scanning through all folders, I just realize something. Actually, the evil roots in the download folder. Such a mess and full of junk! Sooo.. lesson number one: keep it always empty. Delete files as soon as you no longer need it, Del.

Thank me later.

#20 Quitting

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Dear, you don't do anything wrong. Why feeling guilty? Stop blaming yourself for failing to make people get what you mean. When they know, they know. Chill. Besides, you only quit job. Not quit yourself.

#19 Avoiding

"You tend to avoid problems," said a friend, on a ride back home.

"I know," I replied, not denying anything.

"But everyone has their own coping mechanism, yes? No worries," she tried to cheer me up. Well, cheer herself up too, I guessed.

"Indeed. That's why I write. So I couldn't hide. Nor lied. What about you?"

She shrugged. And that night were spent in silent.

#18 Healing

3 times got sick in this month, had insomnia, didn't feel like working nor meeting people, and didn't have the appetite to eat. Geez, take care of yourself. Come on! It's 2019 already. Get a life. Good days, bad days, it's all just a phase.

#17 Frowning

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Hold it, not?

#16 Singing

I remember when I was 1st grade of high school, I didn't do my homework and my teacher punished me to sing in front of the class.

I sang "I will Fly" by Ten2five and "Arjuna" by Dewa 19. It was a disaster haha. But no one laughed. They appreciated it as it is, as punishment :))
As now I reminisce those embarassing yet good old times, I realize singing is another thing I enjoy. Well... of course it's just sing a long in karaoke, under shower, or in car.

I wonder, should I try singing in front of public? Just to test whether I'm brave enough and it's not because it's a punishment.

#15 Raving

Always get worse with lack of sleep.

#14 Fighting

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- Fight Club

#13 Confessing

Disclaimer: this post will be so cheesy you can even make pizza out of it. Honestly speaking, I fear to death that anyone will read this, but obviously there will be. It's a public space anyway. But I feel like writing, thus I write. Sooo.. here I present you my longlife drama. Enjoy the show!

Hai Tuan,

Apa kabar? Aku sebenarnya mau pengakuan. Langsung saja ya, aku tak mahir basa-basi. Jadi begini. Aku punya beberapa tokoh yang kusebut Tuan, tapi ujung-ujungnya, yang paling spesial cuma kamu. Aku sampai kesal sendiri karena ini bukan cuma gombal. Tapi kupikir, tak apa juga. Toh begitu juga sebaliknya. Kamu punya banyak tokoh yang kau sebut Nona, tapi bagimu, aku masih berkesan kan? Akui saja ;p

Omong-omong Tuan, kamu tahu kan kamu menyebalkan? Sangat bahkan! Aku cari kamu terus, tapi kamu susah ditemui. Ya salah aku juga sih, mencari lewat telepati. Mana sampai? Memangnya kamu alien? Iya sih, mirip. Haha.

Tapi yang mungkin tak kamu tahu, aku tak kalah menyebalkan. Aku sekeras kepa…

#12 Running

When you run, the only person you're competing with is yourself. You don't have to be the fastest. You just have to run and get better every time. Keep that in mind, and you'll always win.

#11 Writing

I don't know how many times writing has saved me going through difficult and confusing times. It helps me to clear up my mind, define my emotion, and be there when I need company but want to be alone.

So, thank you, words, for existing in this world.

#10 Designing

Like dancing, the same goes to designing. There are times I get frustrated when I can't create one satisfying work due to lack of skill. Then, I stopped since... hmm, 2016? I guess.

Now that my sister and I are doing a week and month challenge, I feel like I finally find my half. I can do the storytelling and she does the drawing.
But the designing and creative process, it's a teamwork! Glad to be back to things I once enjoyed.

#9 Dancing

I might not have the decent skill. Those perfect jump and kick technique in ballet, complicated but precise step in tap dance, or else. I already accept it will take me forever if I want to master that. But now, I'm too old and stiff for that :))

But the love of dancing, it never changes. The joyful sensation is still there. Always. So well, after years of postponement, I guess now it's time!

All I need is to do is de-cluttering unnecessary time spent wasted, and make time for hobbies and things that "spark joy".

#8 Giving

Once there was a tree
And she loved a little boy

And every day
The boy would come
And he would gather her leaves
And make them into crowns
And play king of forest

He would climb up her trunk
And swing from her branches
And eat apples
And they would play hide-and-go seek

And when he was tired
He would sleep
In her shade
And the boy loved the tree very much

And the tree was happy

But time went by
And the boy grew older
And the tree was often alone

Then one day the boy came to the tree
And the tree said, "Come, boy, and climb up my trunk
And swing from my branches
And eat apples
And play in my shade
And be happy"

"I am too big to climb and play," said the boy
"I want to buy things and have fun
I want some money
Can you give me some money?"

"I'm sorry," said the tree
"But I have no money
I have only leaves and apples
Take my apples, Boy, and sell them in the city
Then you will have money
And you will be happy"

And so the boy climbed u…

#7 Moving

Miles Morales: When will I know I'm ready?
Peter B. Parker: You won't. It's a leap of faith. That's all it is, Miles. A leap of faith. Why wait for May? Come what may.

#6 Feeling

Della 1: "Congratulation, you've made it! You conquer your fear and doubt. Even, your ego. How do you feel? Relief? No more haunted by serial dreams, yes?"

Della 2: "Indeed. I finally realize that nothing is a waste of time, energy, or even money, if I know something is worth fighting for. Nothing great comes easy. Even if I lose the battle, at least I've won over myself. I'm doing the right thing."

Della 1: "Question now, are you ready to open up for relationship again? Being vulnerable and allowing yourself to count on someone. Letting that someone messing with your life. Loving that someone so much it hurts. Having a broken heart but no regret."

Della 2: "I'm ready, but it might take some times. There's no one, anyway :))"

Della 1: "Doesn't matter. Take your time. At least you know you want it because you know it's worth it. Love is a beautiful thing. It's a privilege, not a weakness."

Della 2: "…

#5 Asking

Della 1: "Hi, Del. It's me!"
Della 2: "WTF you again."
Della 1: "I'm always here btw."
Della 2: "Now what?"
Della 1: "Easy girl. Just wanna ask... well, never mind." Della 2: "?"

#4 Refraining

There is reason why car has a brake. Because sometimes, all we have to do is to stop for a while, before we continue our journey.

#3 Folding

The obvious truth about doing chores is it won't finish itself unless you get that shit done.

A little confession: I never do ironing. But I do folding clothes. Especially in time like this, where I'm learning how to do Konmari method by myself. The principle is simple: make a rectangle shape and fold it 3 times until it 'stands' (I have no idea how to explain it).

Problem is, not all clothes have fine line (in literal meaning). Sometimes the outliers need a little trick to fold into rectangle shape. And hell, Y U NO STAND?!

When feeling frustrated, I wish I could wear same easy-folding clothes every day. But my question to myself, if I discard the joy just because it's difficult and replace it with what's easy, will that bring me joy?

Sooo.. well, to finish strong, sometimes we have to let go of perfection and uniformity. Embrace the uniqueness of things that spark joy. Or else, we'll never get shit done.

#2 Decluttering

People grow.
Sometimes they grow together, sometimes they grow apart.
Like your favorite shirt you once loved so much but now it's no longer fit.
Not sure if you're getting big or it shrinks.

But before saying goodbye, make sure you express gratitude.
Thank you for all good memories!
It's time to buy new shirt.

#1 Highlight 2018

Actually, I'd like to present good stuff about this year, like got invited to be speakers in plenty events, finally released "Mimpi Anak Seberang" book, successfully handled Limitless Campus batch 2, initiated Kelas Inspirasi Tangsel Goes to LPKA Tangerang, visited Shure University in Japan, and other things.

But the highlight of this year was about redefining myself.

2018 was very tough and confusing for me. I felt kinda lose faith in humanity and kindness. I was being suspicious and doubtful, believing that behind every good deed lies something fishy. I struggled with trust issue.

Also, it was a year of uncertainty. Life purpose I kept repeating over and over again became a vague word. A term without definition. A preach without substance.

For those who knew me so well, they relentlessly tried to pull me back while I kept numbing my own overwhelming feeling as a coping mechanism. I sorta lost myself.

At the end, it was such a pain yet a relief to finally decide that I…

Etalase Rasa

"Buset gw udah 5 tahun nggak ke GPMB"
Setelah puas 3 hari berturut-turut 'lebaran MB' di Istora dari mulai try out sampai grand final, saya baru sadar sudah sekian lama menjauh dari dunia tempat saya tumbuh.

Sempat beberapa waktu lalu mimpiin MBUI dan orang-orang tertentu terus, dari yang santai "yaudalah namanya juga mimpi" sampai risih "kenapa sering dan intens banget sih mimpinya?"

Mungkin emang segitu kangennya. Atau justru kebalikannya, saya lagi dikangenin segitunya (walaupun logika ini susah diterima akal sehat).

Katanya, rindu itu obatnya bertemu. Makanya, saya samperin sekalian. Daripada kepikiran, kan?

Puas ngikutin GPMB, saya mulai nostalgia, nonton video akhir tahun MBUI yang ada di Youtube.

Lalu mendaratlah saya pada video di tahun 2013, di mana saya bantu bikin selipan pesan. Sedikit cuplikannya: "Tiap akhir perjalanan pasti meninggalkan kesan. Dan setiap kesan akan meninggalkan kenangan. Namun, kenangan tak akan meninggalkan k…