Free Will

Last night, I couldn't sleep. Then I put on Thirty Days of Lunch, Gery Vee episode.

This 70minutes-ish podcast got me contemplated. I asked myself "how was life going so far, Del?" and as the self awareness arised, I had to write down this train of thoughts.

Lately, I had a looot~ of questions about life itself. People called it quarter life crisis. Some called it Saturn Return. Whatever. You named it.

Then since last September 2018, I decided to experiment "if I surrendered to what life gave me and just fucking did my best, what would happen?" until my birthday on May 3rd.

I usually got pretty slow, picky, and calculated when it came to decision. I took some time to thoughtfully consider pros and cons before saying go or no go. I planned out the worst case, even spared 'space for surprises'.

But often times, I also got miscalculated. Things happened beyond my control. 'Surprises' came outside the 'space'.

Remembered Rene said "overplanning will give you greater insecurity" and he rejected the idea that I made 5 years plan as a guideline. His argument was the world is changing so fast we could only rely on 'God force' (in religious way) to face uncertainty.

Not that I didn't believe in God. It was just me, agreed to disagree. What I believed was having a proper planning would manage risk of failure. God might play his role, but we also had free will to work our ass off to create our own destiny.

But hey, maybe Rene was right. Maybe I could try it, to plan lesser, to surrender.

Some people were curious, asking me "so what's your goal? What are you going to do next after signing out from LC?" To be honest, I had no idea. I even thought this was a bad idea, to let life making plan for me, instead of me making life plan.

And indeed, it DID gave me much anxiety, not knowing what the future might hold or even a glimpse of clue.

But let's trust the process and we'll see how it goes, I affirmed to myself.

6 months passed by, I lately felt this brand new kind of acceptance. I didn't deny feeling anxious, didn't tried to fool myself with positive thinking, even let my guard off by showing my vulnerability.

I said yes to (mostly) new projects that got me excited without clearly knowing where it led to, did plenty different stuff all day and night, tried on new ways of doing things, spared hugeee~ space for surprises, and the most challenging one: worried less about the result.

I tried managing social enterprise bootcamp program. Starting coffee business. Designing adult learning curriculum. Building start up focusing on performance art. Involving in brand artisan makers movement. Gathering literacy community. Publishing a collective book. Arranging events. Learning ballet and traditional contemporary dance. Registering youth exchange program. Volunteering in social activity focusing on education. Doing public speaking as guest speaker. And many more, ONLY within this 6 month.

One thing I haven't tried: dedicating my time to extract and put into long term goal. Again, I'm still in exploration phase.

Not gonna lie. Letting myself open for any possibilities, sometimes insecurity got on my nerves, due to all of this high ups and downs. I also faced some hard times managing expectation and dealing with uncertainty, and struggled to respond when it came to doubt from others.

One of my friend once joked around "lo lagi punya masalah sama komitmen ya?" and I replied lightly, "justru gw lagi komit sama masalah."

But well, this is --so far-- worth it.

Dear my fellow friends, if you really want to know how this life experiment feels like, just try it yourself. Pick one status quo and contemplate "what can I do to leverage this?"

For me, it's like signing a contract with problems in exchange of freedom, holistic perspective, and deeper insight.

30 years from now, when you're aging gracefully, you might wanna look back and smile, "I've made the right decision: at least I've tried."